Yesterday was a good day. Sweet M* came home with two good day tickets that he was very proud of and I was relieved that there was no more hitting or embarrassment etc... from getting in trouble the day prior. Phew!
But, because I was the one who had to put him down for nap we had a repeat where he woke up with wet pants after nap. The bed (again) was not wet. When I try to wash him off in the shower he freaks out and is deathly afraid of the shower head. It is really odd. I was very patient and empathetic. I showed him how to turn the shower on and that I was not doing that so there was no way water was going to get him. (Keep in mind he loves water and takes showers all of the time???). He said that he had a bad dream and he was scared but doesn't say anymore.
I just was very loving and warm towards him. Took it slow and sort of babied him and he finally came out of it and had a great night after that.
I think that some of us really get caught up in what the professionals have to say. At least I did. It is a scary scary world and I think they see a lot of hopeless cases. However, I am so lucky that I had an amazing friend who sent me some pages from one of the Beyond Consequences books. It really resonated with me and when we were looking into disruption/ re-homing our son this phrase helped us turn it all around.
It basically said that we don't need to fear our children. That they are acting in this survival mode. It may look like they are dangerous and incapable of love. But, as parents we might see things that the professionals don't... glimmers of our child's true self. That is the Sweet M* I am honing in on. That is my son. The rest I feel like is my trauma boy just trying to live through another day.
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2 comments:
I didn't know you were thinking of disruption. I never got the feeling things were that bad. Oh how I pray things are moving in a better direction for you. Keep me updated.
Susan
You are rocking this! There will be days when you don't, to be sure. But you are keeping so focused on the main thing.
I've had rough showers with both of our adopted kids - not quite for the same reason, but times when he or she didn't want to be in there, and I've gotten short about it and just tried to force them through quickly. What a difference you're making by allowing Sweet M* to take his time while you are babying him and helping him and being empathetic. Really. It's NOT easy to do. But the more you do it, the easier in some ways, I think ? Until there is a day when it doesn't work, and you snap a little, and then you just have to forgive yourself and get back on track (as I will read your guidelines that are on my fridge tomorrow morning to help me to start the day right).
I loved that chapter in the book, too. It really resonated with me when she said that we sometimes fear that they have no conscience, as if they are taking joy in the pain they inflict because they don't have a conscience. But in reality, when we see them treat us kindly when they can see that we are sick or make a nice picture for a sibling just because or say "sorry" for something without being prompted, it shows that they DO have a conscience. When stressed, every one of us will act as if we don't sometimes. We become selfish (as in Heather Forbes' example) enough to trample others to get out of the fire. When you see those sweet glimmers of his true self, you are seeing that conscience, and when you rock it the way you are, you allow him to put aside a little tiny bit of the fear that is stressing him out too much to access that conscience enough.
You may have an amazing friend, but really, your kids have amazing parents.
:-)
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