Today was one of those days that just SUCKS. Most of the day was fine but hubby and I thought we could get out for a date night. We left Belle with Nana because she was already there and the three boys stayed with our babysitter. I double checked Sweet M* talked about everything and I thought he was okay.
I was wrong. Turns out that right around dinner his switch flipped and he went into survival mode. He tried everything he could to get in trouble. Deliberately disobeying by continuing to jump up and down on the couch and trying to climb on the stairwell's. The sitter was having trouble controlling him in order to keep him safe. At dinner he accused her of serving the other two boys more pizza than him (not the case). Than he went into his crazy hyper laughter phase. He was chasing the older boys and trying to push them. Cuddlebear claims M* tried to push him down the stairs... given the mood he sounds like he was in I believe it. And, worst of all the sitter was cleaning up in the kitchen and the boys were on the couch (in plain sight) and the sitter says Cuddlebear was yelling "Stop M*" and she turned around to see M* sitting on top of a pillow that he put on Captain's head. Captain is 8... M* is 5. This SCARES me. I am trying to remember not to let fear play a part. But, Captain is my son. I am his momma too. I am supposed to protect him and I feel like it is so hard to do sometimes with M*. Once M* goes into survival mode all bets are off. We don't know what he is capable of.
This has not happened before and it was a fear I had. Right now the boys share a room. Now I am thinking that I may need to rearrange the kids sleeping arrangements. I feel like I am handling this all pretty well. But I can't lie- it shakes me up. I know that I can't ignore these behaviors. Safety cannot be compromised. But, it is just like with everything in this adoption world... I feel like I have to run the scenario 100 ways in my head to figure out what I should have done. I always try to blame myself for what goes wrong.
Maybe I can't leave M* with anyone but my mom? Maybe we should have been back before dinner? Maybe if I would have done something I could have prevented it. But, here is the thing. I have left M* with this sitter many times before. In fact she lives with us now and has been very helpful with the kids. And, I have left M* many times to go out on a date night and nothing like this occurred before. Well... not true. The first time we left for an over night trip M* choked Captain really bad. That was a little over a year ago though? So, it is really hard to say what I should and could have done bc REALLY I should not have to worry about him harming the other kids. But, the fact is that I do!
So, I am saddened by the reality that I think my fears can't be ignored. And, while I don't fear M*... I have to put up the cautionary boundaries to ensure all of the kids are always safe. So, I think M* is going to need his own room. And, I think we are sticking with the rule that he has to play where we can see him (recently we were allowing him and the big boys in the playroom together... I thought as long as Belle wasn't there they were okay). And, I think regardless of if I think he is okay... I don't think I can leave him (unless he is alone) with any other kids unless it is with my mom.
Crappy day :(