Friday, February 18, 2011

One More?

Okay... I have been loosing SO MUCH sleep bc I can't get over the fact that we are DONE. We are supposed to be DONE having children. Four was supposed to be the magic number. It is a good number. An even number. We are busy... they keep us very busy... right???

Problem is I am 29 years old. Everyone around us is finally starting to have babies and we are DONE. That compounded with the fact that I have 3 biological children and 1 adopted. Plus, my bio children are white and my adopted child is black. And, we are off gender wise- 3 boys and 1 girl. My boys are fortunate enough to have this amazing brotherhood and Belle is all on her own. Now I know she has adapted to her role as the queen bee in the house... but I LOVE my sister and I want her to have that special bond too.

So now what? What am I supposed to do? I have called agencies and looked into starting this roller coaster crazy ride again and through all the chaos that entails I still feel like we need one more. One more daughter... and I feel like she also needs to be from Ethiopia. Please tell me I am crazy. Please tell me all these feelings inside will subside and I will feel complete. We are already so blessed... beyond anything I had ever imagined. Tell me I am selfish and I should be grateful for the amazing family I have. Please...


Zoe said...

I don't think it's selfish at all to feel that one more child -- a daughter -- would "complete" your family.

There are reasons the idea won't leave you alone, even though you're got the magic number of four, and even though you're busy and tired. As Blaise Pascal said, "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

Sure, you're crazy... the good kind of crazy :-) I'm the oldest of 10 and my siblings are the best gift my parents gave me, next to life itself. I don't doubt for a second that you have more than enough love to give... and you're young enough to have plenty of energy for a while, even though it probably doesn't always feel like it! Believe me, now that I'm in my 40s, there's a HUGE difference in my energy levels compared to 10 years ago. I also really understand your desire to have another Ethiopian child in the family. It's one of the reasons we decided on siblings. I'm intimidated about how much work it will be to have two at once, but I want it for them... our families are all fair/Anglo people, and there are lots of cousins and no one else is adopted. So, I want our kids to have each other as I think it will help their identity formation.

No one else can tell you what's right for your family. Whatever you decide, you will do it all with the grace and strength that you have done everything else to date.

Ashley said...

We're there with you. Four is 2 more than what we imagined ourselves with when we got married. Now we've got four, and like you 3 boys and 1 girl and we know we're not done...yes, I think we're all crazy...but it's a good crazy! We are now thinking that we'll wait about 4 years before we adopt (probably domestic AA this time), and if God gives us another bio one in those four years that's great too! :0)

msl said...

Crazy in a very wonderful way Amber!!

Chrissy said...

I don't think it's crazy at all!:)

Too Many Kids In The Bathtub said...

The Lord has given you this desire for a reason! Our society would have you think you are crazy! But to welcome another child is a beautiful thing! We started our family early as well! I was 20 when our first baby was born. I have just turned 30 and we just had our 6th baby 3 months ago. The people I grew up with are just starting their families. But I have always said that the Lord knows if he has more children for us. I never say never because I do not know! Only he knows! Be strong in your convictions! Be proud of them! You do not want to look back and wish you had gone another route!Children are a blessing! Only God knows when we are truly done! Put your trust in him! You have a lovely family!!! PLease email me if you ever need encouragement!