Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Militant Mom

Sweet M* has been home now for 13 1/2 weeks. It is crazy to look back at the progress he has made. It is also very interesting for me to think back and look at how much my own thoughts have changed about how to best parent M*. I would say for the most part I have always been a pretty easy going parent. I have always had rules, but I don't think any one would have said I was a strict parent. Until now...

M* needs me to be super structured and very strict. This helps him to let go of his need to control everything and it helps him calm down. It makes him feel safe and it allows him to make progress with his big emotions. I have been reading "When Love is Not Enough" from Nancy Thomas because I felt like from week 10-13 we were not making rapid progress any more. But, once again Nancy's easy to read little book has made huge changes with Sweet M* in just days.

By being extremely loving and never loosing my cool while never budging on my rules and demand for respect I have a very well behaved little boy. I couldn't be happier.

The other side of this that I don't completely understand is how this structure allows him to feel. When M* came home he didn't cry a sad cry.. he SCREAMED a pissed off scream. It wasn't until 3 days ago and once a day since that I have seen him really cry a sad cry.

Sweet M* asked to be held after he had been on a time in (time out but on my lap or on a chair next to me) and he cried. He wants to be held like a baby, cradled all up in my arms, he puts his head in the fold of my neck and he weeps. Then he calms down and I tell him that this mommy will not be all gone and I will love him forever and always. He gives me a kiss and hops down and plays so peacefully for the next hour or two. As hard as it is to hear him cry this way it is also precious bc it sounds real. He is really feeling something and he is sharing it with me.

It is so strange when you read these methods in Nancy's books before you have your child home. You think that your kid won't need her methods, but the reality is she nails it and I am so very thankful that I have read her books.


Jessica said...

I bought the Taming the Tiger CD's. Did you follow her suggestions to a "T"? I'm just wondering how feasible it is.

Amber said...

Not to a "T". I would suggest joining the taming the tiger yahoo group. It's not super active but if you post a question you will get answers. We did carry him a lot and he did no self feeding for the first 6 weeks. He took a bottle (at night though) and we put him on a mattress in our room to start. Good luck!!!

Zoe said...

Amber, sounds like he is moving from that place of anger and fear, to feeling safe and secure enough to grieve. I really appreciate hearing about your process. I think I will get this book also. And I think I'll join the Taming the Tiger yahoo group. My question is how to do some of her suggestions if you have TWO kids, which we will have. I can't imagine being able to carry two little toddlers on my small body for very long!

adventures north said...

I love your honesty through all the highs and lows of your attachment process. Its so raw and so real. You do an awesome job of meeting your boy where he is and guiding him where he needs to go.