The Militant Mom

Sweet M* has been home now for 13 1/2 weeks. It is crazy to look back at the progress he has made. It is also very interesting for me to think back and look at how much my own thoughts have changed about how to best parent M*. I would say for the most part I have always been a pretty easy going parent. I have always had rules, but I don't think any one would have said I was a strict parent. Until now...

M* needs me to be super structured and very strict. This helps him to let go of his need to control everything and it helps him calm down. It makes him feel safe and it allows him to make progress with his big emotions. I have been reading "When Love is Not Enough" from Nancy Thomas because I felt like from week 10-13 we were not making rapid progress any more. But, once again Nancy's easy to read little book has made huge changes with Sweet M* in just days.

By being extremely loving and never loosing my cool while never budging on my rules and demand for respect I have a very well behaved little boy. I couldn't be happier.

The other side of this that I don't completely understand is how this structure allows him to feel. When M* came home he didn't cry a sad cry.. he SCREAMED a pissed off scream. It wasn't until 3 days ago and once a day since that I have seen him really cry a sad cry.

Sweet M* asked to be held after he had been on a time in (time out but on my lap or on a chair next to me) and he cried. He wants to be held like a baby, cradled all up in my arms, he puts his head in the fold of my neck and he weeps. Then he calms down and I tell him that this mommy will not be all gone and I will love him forever and always. He gives me a kiss and hops down and plays so peacefully for the next hour or two. As hard as it is to hear him cry this way it is also precious bc it sounds real. He is really feeling something and he is sharing it with me.

It is so strange when you read these methods in Nancy's books before you have your child home. You think that your kid won't need her methods, but the reality is she nails it and I am so very thankful that I have read her books.

Progress Report (6 weeks home)

6 Weeks Home

We have been home from Ethiopia for 6 weeks today. In many ways it feels like forever ago that Sweet M* joined our family, and yet at times it still feels like we are strangers to each other.
We have begun the long process of attachment and bonding and we are learning each others moods and emotions. I want to explain to people that may be in the process what has gone on these past 6 weeks because as I awaited the day our family would be complete I scoured blogs and read books trying to foresee my future and prepare myself for the experience. Now I feel it is my turn to share.
My feelings on the adoption process are that it is HARD. It is hard to make the decision to adopt, hard to explain to people your choice and why, hard to do the research, hard to get all the documents completed (correctly), hard to wait on a waiting list, hard to prepare to travel, hard to travel to a third world country and hard to get through the first days, weeks and I imagine months. And, through all of the HARD that we are feeling as adoptive parents there is a child that is feeling LOSS... big huge traumatizing LOSS and HURT. Loss of a birth family, culture, language, foods, smells, friends and the list could go on. But, hopefully through all of the HARD work and the LOSS and HURT we can come together and HEAL.I can say that after 6 weeks of testing, boundary setting, loving and learning we are beginning to HEAL. We are starting to bond, trust and attach to each other and it feels GOOD. I think that all of the attachment parenting we have been working so hard to do is finally paying off. Sweet M* is down to one or two 10-15 minute tantrums per day. The trying to bite, hit and throw things has reduced dramatically. I am learning how to calm him down when I see a tantrum brewing. We are still working on the screaming but that too has been a lot less.He is eating very well (and all of the time). He is allowed to feed himself and is doing very well- he is such a clean eater. He will try almost anything but he definitely has favorites. He loves yogurt, hard boiled eggs, cheerios, pasta (with and without sauce), salad with dressing and bread. He does not like raw carrots or watermelon. I do make sure that I have plenty of snacks whenever we go out and I have to watch and keep track of his eating because like any toddler hunger can lead to a tantrum. But, the fact that I can say no to certain foods or say that he has had enough is HUGE. I am really proud of him.I am so thankful to report that he is finally on a good sleep schedule-- better than my other toddler in fact. He sleeps at night from 8pm-6am with a 1 1/2-2 hour nap in the afternoon. I have a very steady routine for sleep. I lay him down at the same time, I turn on the same song on repeat on my iphone, and I either put him in the carrier and kind of bounce and rock him or I lay with him and rub his back. I have not transitioned him out of our room, so he sleeps on a toddler mattress on the floor. He wakes up only to go to the bathroom, and he falls right back asleep after. One thing that we did that really helped was hang blankets behind our blinds to block the sun. I need to go buy shades and hang them as the blankets are super tacky. But, that has added about an hour and a half of sleep for me in the morning because Sweet M* would wake up around 4:30am when the sun was coming up before.As far as personality goes Sweet M* is very affectionate and he is also very funny. I think we will be in for some good jokes when his language fully develops. He LOVES water. He loves to swim, play, splash, run through and drink water. He also loves to point out water whenever we see it (i.e. garden fountains, waterfalls, sprinklers, on the tv etc... He also enjoys bubbles, bikes (he just learned to peddle yesterday) and balls. He is very athletic, has a ton of energy and he is determined. He taught himself how to peddle on the bike and he has learned how to freestyle swim without much effort on my part at all. He just will try and try and try until he gets it. He amazes me.I have posted about his language but I am still so impressed at how much he comprehends and how many words he can say. I guess they aren't kidding when they say toddlers are like sponges.

The past two weeks we have made huge progress. Snuggling with Sweet M* each night, tending to his needs and watching him experience new things every day has made me fall in love with him. I know that everyone develops love for their adopted children on their own time line but I can say that for me it was fairly quick. I love M* and there is no doubt. I am not mad when he tantrums... I am sad. I am exhausted, but wouldn't trade our life for any other. I am learning so much through parenting Sweet M* and every day gets better.

I read a lot about toddler adoption prior to bringing Sweet M* home and I have posted about the tantrums, exhaustion and hardships. But, there is also something VERY VERY special about bringing home a toddler or older child and that is "firsts". I can't even explain in words how thrilling it was to watch Sweet M*'s eyes light up when he saw the pool, Mickey Mouse and the ocean. Or the glow in his smile as he enjoyed sliding down his first water slide, played with our dog, or rode his first bike. It is one thing to experience firsts with a newborn... but they can't appreciate any of it. To see a child experience such joy is a gift. And, it is a gift to have the privilege to parent Sweet M*.
alas... here are some of my favorite firsts with M*:(seeing the backyard)

(down a slide)

(lego tower- all by himself)

(feeding the ducks)

(seeing a character)

(ride at a theme park)

(face painting)

(firework show)

(cotton candy)

(viewing marine animals)

(water slide)

(and ocean)

Progress Report (reflections from the first few weeks home)

We were all pretty exhausted when we finally arrived back home and it took a few days to adjust to the big difference in time. But, after the jet lag wore off we all started doing a little better... especially Sweet M*.

We were able to control the environment once we got home and that was a huge benefit. In Ethiopia it seemed like almost everything was not child friendly. The steps were made of stone at the guest house including the inside staircase so I was worried about him falling, there were plenty of breakables inside, and playing outside we had to watch out for the cars, the ball falling into the open sewage ditches, or M* trying to run off.

We could also help him with his food issues. M* wanted to eat or drink any and everything that he saw anyone else with, and he was never full so when that item ran out he would lose it. In Ethiopia this was hard because we would often just give in to the sodas, candy etc... to save everyone else a headache. But, at home we could control what foods he could see and that helped me get some better food in his body and a lot less screaming. I think the good nutrition helped him control his mood swings a little better. The first few weeks I had to store all of our sweets (including cereals) up high where he couldn't see them. Then I put the healthy foods that I didn't mind him eating a ton of at eye's level. This was a smart move bc at first I realized that anything with sugar in it he would never be done with and once it was gone he would scream. If it was a healthier item like fruit, veggies, pasta, or popcorn he would eat and then be done and move on. Something else that helped was that I portioned everything out so I could easily grab a baggie of whatever and he did not see that there was an unlimited supply.

Saying no to anything would still set M* off. So, once we were home I would put him in the carrier almost all day so that I didn't have to say no as much. Sometimes he would enjoy being close and other times he would throw a huge fit. But, even now when he gets scared or sad he will ask for the carrier so I think it really helped him to feel safe.

Sleep was definitely the hardest in the beginning. Sweet M* had to be in the carrier with a bottle and either walked outside or taken in a car to fall asleep. And, once asleep he would only sleep a few hours and then he would want to be up and play. This was rough trying to re-cover from jet lag with a kid that only would sleep a few hours consecutively. But, I would nap when he did. I leaned on my mom to help with my other 3 and we survived.

People talk about attachment and I have read a lot about it. I think it was hard those first few weeks because he wasn't attached at all. Yes he called us mom and dad, and he knew who we were so when he needed something he would come to one of us to get it. But, everything was on his terms. He could care less if he was in a bad mood and he knew we wanted something. In fact in that type of situation he would be sure NOT to do what we wanted. But, we are learning together how to make it better. Progress is made it seems and then we regress a little. There are good days and bad days... but one thing is for sure. I LOVE my son.