Oh, back and forth flow of attachment how I hate you so. My Sweet M* has been home since May 7, 2010 and still there are days where I look into his eyes and all I see is fear. My little boy is still so scared... so frightened of so many things that he doesn't even have words to express. There are so many deep sorrows buried within his soul... there is grief, loss, trauma all hidden behind those beautiful espresso bean eyes. Days like these are hard.
I want to scoop him up and tell him how much I love him... how we will never leave him... how he was made perfect and beautiful by his creator. How he has an amazing story that will help him become an amazing person. How I think he is strong and brave. And, how lucky and blessed we are to have him in our lives. And, I do. BUT... he on days like these he doesn't believe me.
Usually, on days like these I see a side of my son that is ugly. A side that is hurt and struggling, and the only way to get rid of those internal feelings is to be mad and defiant. I brace myself, take deep breaths and pray for patience and wisdom. I try to ride out the storm bc really one year + later that is the best advice I have.
On days like this I want to rewind his story and find a way to keep him with his birth family. I know I can't but sometimes (on days like these) I am NOT sure adoption is a great thing for the child/ victim involved.