Attachment Therapy- a report

(These pics have no relation to my post... but aren't these two ridiculously cute?)

So, M* and I have visited the attachment therapist 3 times now. Actually, we have spent our last 3 Friday nights with her and I wanted to blog a little bit about it.

The first session I thought was useless. A lot of info I already had. She had him play a game where I asked him to do something and then he needed to look me in the eyes and say "Yes mom". I had already been trying that and I wan't sure if it was working. But, she gave him homework... she told him he needed to practice the "Yes mom" game all week and she would check with me the next visit to see how it went.

On the way home something happened though that gave me hope. Sweet M* told me he missed his family in Ethiopia A LOT and that he still loved them. This was the first time he said those words and knew what he was feeling. So, maybe this therapy thing was going to help? Then as the week went on and I could see he was really trying to give me the eye contact and the "Yes moms". We still had a couple tantrums and one rage. But, not nearly as much defiance as we had been having since the vacations.

Before session 2 I received the first current photo of Shea's family ever (I had recently hired a searcher to go back to his birth family). I brought it with me to the next session. The therapist and I talked to M* about the people in the picture and about his feelings. We also did some thinking out loud to each other about what we thought he might be feeling... or how his family might be feeling. M* talked about feeling happy to see the photo but mad and sad that his family had left him. He is so smart... he nailed those feelings perfectly! On the way home we stopped at Costco and got the family photo blown up. Sweet M* asked me to tape it on the wall by his pillow which made me a little nervous bc I wasn't sure if it would upset him each morning. But, at night I have caught him talking to his family... and each morning he has woke up just fine! I am SO glad to have this photo and I can't wait to receive the dvd to see what other photos we might get from the searcher.

The therapist also talked to Sweet M* about not getting to have me when he was a baby at the second session. So, that week we started rocking and bottle feeding again. He NEEDS this. I had started it when he was first home from Ethiopia but I stopped shortly after. It is amazing how much he loves that bottle time with me though. I am glad we started it back up now that he has more language and I can talk to him about how I wish I had him as a baby but how glad I am that he had that time with his first mom etc.... I think it helps him understand how I feel and it reassures him that he can be sad that I was not there. And, that it is okay to love his first mom etc... it is really helping him connect with me. He is coming to me when he is scared instead of hiding under a blanket and relying on himself. I also made a necklace with a note and my photo so when I live him to go to work he can wear it and think of me. And, I sprayed a stuffed animal with my body spray. He naps with this and my mom tells me she catches him smelling it when he gets sad. I am so glad he is starting to miss me :)
The week following session two went by pretty smoothly really no big tantrums... and lots of compliance. "Yes mom's" have never been better and I started seeing my boy again. When M* gets caught up in his mad and sad (and scared) he is hyper-vigilant. He is on guard and he tries to press everyone's buttons to see if he is "stronger" than them. This is hard to live with. He is so smart and he knows all of our buttons. And, when he is in that state he does not play or just have fun. He looks stressed, he breaks down very easily, he doesn't sleep sound, he scarfs food etc... But, when we give him that structure, loving leadership, consequences and snuggle time we start to pull the kid back out of him. He begins to have imaginative play again, he laughs, he has more patience, he can regulate his moods better etc...

The third session of therapy I did not even have a story to report. So, we read some books about feelings. Practiced appropriate ways to get our mad out. Sweet M* thought blowing bubbles to get mad out was pretty cool... but not as cool as beating up play doh or stomping on pillows ;) But, Friday night M* regressed. He had been on such an upswing it was hard to watch him fall back. This time hubby and I were prepared though. We tightened the structure back up... gave action not conversation. We used each other to make sure he wasn't wearing us down. We were able to keep the laughter in the house and by Sunday morning our boy was back.

So, attachment therapy is helping us. It is helping us have much more compliance ("Yes moms"), we have more tools to help us bring him back from his stages of regression, he is feeling better by talking about his story with me and the therapist (I think he is getting reassurance that we did not kidnap him- Yikes!), and he is feeling much closer to me. The therapist is far (1 1/2 hour drive each way). But, she is worth it! I highly recommend others to find someone good and take a chance.

There are Others Like Us...

As I was up researching attachment in the wee hours of the night I came across a great blogger Christine. I was so excited to finally be able to read stories of people that are in the same boat. To no I am not alone is powerful and I encourage you to check out her blog and the other bloggers of RAD kiddos.

Christine also linked to this article that you might enjoy: http://www.housecallscounseling.com/2011/07/05/feel-as-bad-as-me-or-the-meaning-of-fury-in-adopted-children/

Attachment/ RAD... hopefully finding a way to heal

Well... I have completely lacked any enthusiasm lately to blog. Between my business life and my nosedive with M*'s attachment issues lately I haven't had it in me to say much of anything. Frankly, (and to be honest) I think I was scared. Parenting an attachment challenged child is tough (and I mean REALLY TOUGH!!!). So much of the pain and suffering gets turned into rage and in my case it is rage directed almost solely on me just because I am "MOM".

And, than because no one else sees the behaviors that you (the mom) sees it is hard to get any "real" support. The fact that in adoption we chose this path we are on also has some stigma bc you feel like you can't complain bc people will say something like "you got yourself into this" or "I warned you". So, sometimes it is easier to suck it up and just try to "get through" each day.

I have spent many sleepless nights recently up reading about attachment. About the horrible diagnosis all of us adoptive parents don't even want to mention in fear it might make it come true for our child- RAD. But, thankfully this huge support/ network of Ethiopian adoptive families has restored me. You have given me hope. My son can heal. It can be done.

We have our first appointment with an attachment therapist this week. I am excited. It feels good to finally be able to admit to myself, my husband and my family and friends that my son is still struggling greatly after being home over a year. And, that his issues are pretty intense and I am not capable of addressing them alone. That I need help!

It feels good because I think that just getting those words out of my mouth was the hardest part. I am hoping that we will move forward now with a better understanding of how to handle our son's behavior's and how to help him with his BIG sad and mad feelings. I know there are others like us out there that need help, encouragement and ideas. I am going to post about our failures and our successes in hopes that we can help others as so many have been helping us.

Attachment on days like these...

Oh, back and forth flow of attachment how I hate you so. My Sweet M* has been home since May 7, 2010 and still there are days where I look into his eyes and all I see is fear. My little boy is still so scared... so frightened of so many things that he doesn't even have words to express. There are so many deep sorrows buried within his soul... there is grief, loss, trauma all hidden behind those beautiful espresso bean eyes. Days like these are hard.

I want to scoop him up and tell him how much I love him... how we will never leave him... how he was made perfect and beautiful by his creator. How he has an amazing story that will help him become an amazing person. How I think he is strong and brave. And, how lucky and blessed we are to have him in our lives. And, I do. BUT... he on days like these he doesn't believe me.

Usually, on days like these I see a side of my son that is ugly. A side that is hurt and struggling, and the only way to get rid of those internal feelings is to be mad and defiant. I brace myself, take deep breaths and pray for patience and wisdom. I try to ride out the storm bc really one year + later that is the best advice I have.

On days like this I want to rewind his story and find a way to keep him with his birth family. I know I can't but sometimes (on days like these) I am NOT sure adoption is a great thing for the child/ victim involved.

Summer 2011

How does the time go so stinkin' fast... geesh. May and June have flown by.
I guess the time flies when you are having fun saying rings true.

So, what have we been up to?? Well, we jetted off the day after the big kids were done with school to go and visit Papa in Hawaii. We had not visited since Belle was 4 months old and it was Sweet M*'s first time. The kids had a fantastic time. It was an amazing (and relaxing) trip. I forgot how fun it is to be at a beach without a baby. No one was attempting to eat sand. No swim diapers to hassle with. It was WONDERFUL!!!

I was really impressed with M*... he was swimming without his floatie and he was the smallest (bravest) kid in line for the rope swing. I love the pic of him just floating in the air below ;) He volunteered in the luau and did great on the flights. We had minor behavior issues but the idea of missing out on anymore hawaiian shaved ice seemed to help M* snap back pretty quick.

The big kids did boogie boarding and swam like fish. The two of them have recently developed such a great friendship and it was so fun watching them laugh and play together. Warms a mama's heart!

And, Belle was the cutest hula girl I have ever seen. She also was in the water playing with the boys like a champ.

This was by far the best and most relaxing time we have had as a family since M*'s arrival last May. And, it was VERY needed.




5 days after coming home from Maui we set sail to Mexico with my family. Sweet M* did wonderful and had a great time playing at the kids club allowing me and Mr. Wonderful to have some time to ourselves. Cruises are funny. We have done a few in the past couple years and I think we are cruised out for awhile. There is only so much you can do on a boat. And, it is horrible for your diet. I mean really how do you pass up the chocolate buffet... and molten lava cake ever night?? Well... some might be able to but I don't possess such will power :) I did really enjoy spending time with my parents and siblings and getting to know my brothers girlfriend. My brother has become that uncle that the kids swoon over. He throws them skyhigh in the pools... he dances with them and laughs at their jokes (and misbehavior). All in all another good trip.

One Year Ago Today...

On the day we met...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

One year ago today we landed at Bole airport in Addis Ababa Ethiopia. We arrived at our guesthouse right in time to enjoy a beautiful coffee ceremony and then we were driven to meet our Sweet M* for the very first time. What a surreal day it was. Above is a short clip and below are some photos from those first moments.

Look Where I'm Going To Be...

I am THRILLED to be attending this wonderful event Sunday hosted by this fellow blogger. Did you see the line up... pretty awesome. Even more awesome... I am really looking forward to spending some time with the amazing group of people that I have met through this adoption process who I am now lucky enough to call friends.

You should come too. Tickets can be purchased here, or you can also use them as a donation if you can't make it. There is also an online auction going on right now here... Now let's get these kiddos in school and reading!!!

Soccer Saturday

The big boys had their first soccer games this past weekend. We all had a great time cheering them on.

I am loving my kids ages right now. All of the sudden there has been a big shift in my duties as a mom. At first I was having a hard time letting go of the baby days. Thankfully that has passed and I am embracing all that comes with exiting baby/ toddler era and moving into the kid stage.

Now I am worried that these are going to be the glory days that I miss someday and so I am trying to soak them up as much as I can. The kids are all so innocent still, they still think mom and dad are fun and cool. They want to hug us and be near us. They want to go places with us. They tell us they are going to live with us forever. They think we are all knowing & amazing people. I wish it would stay this way forever. Unfortunately, they will continue to grow. Kind of a fact of life. So for now I will soak up their youth and prepare to watch them each grow into a unique and amazing person :)

Spring Break FUN!

This past weekend we took off for a road trip bc the kids were on spring break. I was dreading the trip a little bit bc we have never taken M* on a road trip before and the past week he had so many changes to his routine (due to us taking off last weekend and the two older kids being on spring break all week) that I was worried this could send him over the edge. But, thankfully ALL of the kids were AMAZING.
They enjoyed the special treats we brought with us and the movies in the car. We left early on the way there so they got some sleep too. It was a really great experience. We are even looking into more resorts to drive to bc we enjoyed ourselves so much.
I was so proud of Sweet M* especially. I could tell he was nervous. It is so hard to watch him struggle like that when the other kids just get to have fun and be excited. He is trying to do that but it is masked by the fear that this change in routine is going to end with him needing to move to a new family. Ugh... is that ever going to change? Is he ever going to be able to relax and just enjoy new adventures? I certainly hope so. But, in the mean time I do my best to reassure him... to prepare him... and to support and love on him as he tries. He is a brave brave boy!
Here are some pics from our journey. Looking back through these pics it looks like all we did was eat... we really did swim a lot too. I swear... we just need a water camera.

Arriving at the hotel after our 5 hour drive... all smiles

Getting ready to see "Horny the Bull"... bc with a name like that we sure weren't going to miss that opportunity.

Why they have a bull stationed in front of this restaurant (that specializes in steak) is beyond me... but Captain Crazy thought it was pretty cool
Can you believe how tall Sweet M* is getting? He passed Belle awhile ago and now he is working his way towards Cuddlebear

Belle has entered the age of not being able to smile for the camera bc she thinks about it too much... its so funny that each of my kids have done this around 3 1/2 year old :)

I think Sweet M* enjoyed the slide down to the restaurant even more than seeing the bull... could it get any better. A restaurant with a bull AND a slide?

YES... Yes it can. The kids eyes lit up when the waitress brought over the huge cotton candy that was included with their meals.

A bull, a slide, cotton candy and paper bull hats... if only every restaurant were this kid friendly right?Check out Cuddlebear's face... I think he was a little nervous that "Horny" was getting closer ;)

Ahhh... there is the smile we love

My attempt at once again trying to get a good posed shot... so not ever happening

The next few shots are of the us at an adorable ice cream parlor. We shared some delicious sundaes. We partnered up to conquer the deliciousness. I think I had the best partner considering how much I LOVE ice cream and how little my daughter does ;)

Our trip ended on a horse and carriage ride under the lights in Old Town. Belle had a smile ear to ear the whole time bc in her mind the only other person that gets to ride in a carriage is Cinderella!