It has been awhile my friends...

Wow... where to start. I have been MIA from blog world for SO LONG!!! But, GOOD NEWS we are doing VERY WELL!!! Actually, I think that is the reason I have been missing. For the most part my days are spent having fun with the kids instead of researching for answers to the bizarre behaviors we were dealing with.

It is almost May and we are rounding the corner of being home with Sweet M* for 2 whole years now. It is crazy how fast that went... but there are times when I wasn't sure if we would ever make it. Adoption is hard. That is it. No matter how we prepare for it we cannot imagine the horror that goes on in some of our sweet children's lives before they are home safe with us. Most of us have not had to enter a new family, new culture, new language and new surroundings after being stripped of everything that kept us feeling safe and secure. We have not lost family that we know still exists. We have not questioned if we would go through that same horror tomorrow. We don't know what it feels like to truly believe that no one loves us. But, that is how my sweet boy felt.

It has taken the entire two years for Sweet M* and our family to truly start to bond. We have been through the darkest of dark days with each other. Every line and boundary has been tested. I have failed miserably at times but, we are making it. We are getting there and we are doing it together (with help from family & friends of course). And, I can say that Sweet M* is rounding a corner and has been for the past few months.

I came across a note I had saved on my iPhone and I wanted to share it in case there are other families out there having a difficult transition with their child. These were the rules we lived by and I know they helped us tremendously.

The key for us was truly to love Sweet M*. To understand that each purposeful thing he would do to try and get in trouble was a TEST. Yes... he tests us constantly bc he is so scared of love. He worries that there is no way it could be true. No way he could be worth as much love as we were pouring on to him. He was going to prove himself right and do something bad so he would upset us. I am not going to lie... he still can do things that make me falter. However, for the most part we stay calm and do not let our emotions get in the way of teaching him right from wrong any more. This has helped him trust us and has helped him (on most days) understand that he is a perfect child of God and loved by us UNCONDITIONALLY.

It takes a lot of effort from my husband and I on a daily basis. There are times where one of us has to walk away to another room and pretend we cannot hear Sweet M* so that we can gain composure and come back with a smile on our face. It is HARD. But, the healing we see is so POWERFUL. Sweet M* is trying to ask for more and question us when he thinks something is unfair (happens very often) instead of assuming we love another child more. As he does this and learns the reasons behind something we do he feels more secure. He is learning to trust that we truly look out for him and we truly do love him as much as the other three children.

This brings me to another point. Adoption is hard when there are birth siblings. When M* came home we thought he was close in age with Belle. However, we quickly learned he was quite a bit older than what we had previously believed (stunted by malnourishment) and as he began to tower over her the competition between him and his older brother began. If you can grow past one sibling you must be able to grow past them all- No? So, to say he has had a rough adjustment to finding his spot between them is an understatement.

I look back constantly and think how much easier things would have been if we had only adopted a child when the other three were older. Or if we had adopted a baby so we would not have disturbed birth order. But, the fact is we are a family and right or wrong we have to make this work. As we adjust and grow together we are all finding our place... and we are all seeing that this was the right choice for us... that there are reasons we truly did belong together. We help by pointing out unique talents that each child has. We focus on our differences... and we also focus on things that are similar between all of us- behaviors, characteristics, likes and dislikes etc... This helps Sweet M* identify with the fact that even though my other kids were born in this family does not mean that everything we do and like are the same. I know this helps him. And, all four can always agree that they ALL LOVE TO BE SILLY!

Whew... this is getting a little longer than I anticipated. But, basics are this: if you are staring at your adopted child SCARED TO DEATH bc you don't know if you can make it through some of those challenging beginnings TAKE A BREATH. I needed hope and there were VERY FEW out there that could tell me it could get better. BUT IT CAN. You and your child (and your entire family) can get through this. You will grow to LOVE... to UNDERSTAND the behaviors and life will turn out as you once dreamed... and happiness will be restored. Just hang in there!

Minor Set Back

So, yesterday I picked Sweet M* up from school. I have not done this in awhile (since the aggressive behavior) bc hubby was doing everything with M until things settled down again. So, even though I have picked him up before this was a minor change. He was a little testy walking home and then after his snack when he knew that nap was next he started the disrespectful behavior. However, this time I swooped him up and told him I loved him and when he woke up from nap I would still be here.

I was feeding the emotional need and not the form he was using to communicate it. He flailed a little... tried to pull my hair but pretty quickly settled in and snuggled me. I kissed him and asked him to go lay down upstairs. I wasn't planning on taking him up bc he REALLY struggles with needing to say good night or good bye to me and when he gets in his bed it is always bad. But, he asked me if I would tuck him in. I first reminded him that I wasn't sure he could handle it (this is a way that helps him control himself... a RAD always thinks they are strong enough so I knew he would try and prove me wrong) and he assured me he could and we walked upstairs. Of course when I tucked him in he was extra hyper, and loud, he yelled at me as I left (just nonsense jibber jabber but in a disrespectful manner) and walked down stairs. But, he did not get out of bed to chase me down the stairs. He stayed put and shortly after was quiet. I was pretty proud of myself since I kept it all together and I did not let him get into rage mode.

But, he woke up early from nap and came downstairs. He sat down had a drink and than told me he was wet. He had peed all over himself and the chair. I told him it was okay and took him upstairs to wash him up. But, he went into a catatonic diss associative state the second he entered the shower. He was screaming staring at the shower head (which he is never afraid of) and I realized he would not look at me. I kept saying his name over and over and lightly put me hands on the tops of his shoulders. I told him I loved him and asked him what was wrong. He said he was scared but didn't know why.

After the shower he got dressed and then he started weeping. He said he had a bad dream that he could not live in our family anymore. I re-assured him that he was staying and that I loved him and he was safe. I got him a snack and he worked on some homework. He stayed in a somber mood for about an hour. And, than he finally came out of it.

However, this morning I feel some of the after math. He is extra hyper, asking for things he knows are off limits and testing boundaries. You can literally feel the heaviness of his emotions when he is like this. You just know something (anything) is going to set him off and it feels like you are walking on eggshells. Hopefully, some extra snuggles and love and reassurance tonight mixed with some boundaries to make him feel safe will knock this mood away.

For the count: Tuesday= good, Wed= good, Thurs= sadness/ bad dream/ pee & Fri= is off to a rough start but hopefully he can pull out of it and have a good weekend.

In case you have not had the chance to read this blog post and you are struggling after coming home please do. I received it from several friends this week and it really helped me.

A much needed day of Joy!

Yes... Joy!
I can hardly believe it too but it is true. So, far the theory is good. I even completely stopped a tantrum coming on today (and it was big) with some extra love and sillyness. Man did it feel good. Some new rules hubby and I have given ourselves:

1) Get a Break... Parenting kids from hard places is no easy task and we deserve it. Guilt free!
2)Clean Slate... we are acting and even talking as if Sweet M* just joined the family. Day 3 and he is doing so well.
3) Only allow LOVE to shine through our eyes... view all behaviors as intense sadness and fear. It is what they really are about anyways.
4) Before school and after work/ before bed belongs 100% to the kids. Eyes on them, down playing with them the whole time.
5) Forget about the manipulative behaviors etc... If I have to "fake it til I make it" I need to grant him the same grace.
6) Constant reassurance, whispers of how M* was exactly the piece to our family that we were missing, we wouldn't be complete without him, we love him, we are never leaving him, he is safe etc... CONSTANT!!!
7) Remembering his emotional age.
8) Lower all expectations and expect regression
9) Do not shame him in anyway only build his self worth.

Alrighty... now some catch up photos of my handsome man...

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom...

I have not posted bc things went from bad to VERY VERY bad. I think all the therapy and bringing up the past and trauma coupled with starting kindergarten and coming out of the crazy summer with two vacations did us in. YUP... we did it to ourselves. In hindsight as I write this I can see it oh, so very clearly. But, when I was knee deep in it. I thought we had lost our minds.

You see dealing with violent rages is scary. Yes, I said it and it is TRUE! Aggression is not something we want to have problems with. Neither is defiance, disrespect and anger. But, for the past 6 weeks that is all I have been getting from my RAD son. We were at our lowest point people. And, sadly I thought that we had hit the bottom before. Yuck... I really hope this one was the REAL bottom. I pray that something changes and we get it right this time.

We thought we had made progress with some things like Nancy Thomas... but I think we hit a point and were not progressing. I think it is our fault. We got caught up in the loss of privileges and the strictness and so it stopped working. Than at our lowest of lows we had to re-evaluate everything.

Have you ever had to be that honest with yourself. Really examine and figure out why YOU are the problem. Well I did it and so did hubby and we realized that we needed to have a clean slate. We needed to act as if our Sweet M* just came into our family. But, this time with the knowledge of his past. This time we were prepared. And, this time we were going to draw him close every time we spotted defiance, anger, fear etc... We were going to look at those downward spirals as opportunities to correct his distorted views.

Crazy... yes. But, I am hoping that this will allow all of us to move forward. Today was day 1. But, it went well. It feels better to me and hubby and I can tell M likes it better too! I am going to post progress and failures (including rages) so I can follow our progress.

We also might use the services of Walter Buenning. He comes into the homes of families with RAD kids and trains them how to handle the different behaviors.

Here's to regaining hope!

There are Others Like Us...

As I was up researching attachment in the wee hours of the night I came across a great blogger Christine. I was so excited to finally be able to read stories of people that are in the same boat. To no I am not alone is powerful and I encourage you to check out her blog and the other bloggers of RAD kiddos.

Christine also linked to this article that you might enjoy: http://www.housecallscounseling.com/2011/07/05/feel-as-bad-as-me-or-the-meaning-of-fury-in-adopted-children/

Attachment/ RAD... hopefully finding a way to heal

Well... I have completely lacked any enthusiasm lately to blog. Between my business life and my nosedive with M*'s attachment issues lately I haven't had it in me to say much of anything. Frankly, (and to be honest) I think I was scared. Parenting an attachment challenged child is tough (and I mean REALLY TOUGH!!!). So much of the pain and suffering gets turned into rage and in my case it is rage directed almost solely on me just because I am "MOM".

And, than because no one else sees the behaviors that you (the mom) sees it is hard to get any "real" support. The fact that in adoption we chose this path we are on also has some stigma bc you feel like you can't complain bc people will say something like "you got yourself into this" or "I warned you". So, sometimes it is easier to suck it up and just try to "get through" each day.

I have spent many sleepless nights recently up reading about attachment. About the horrible diagnosis all of us adoptive parents don't even want to mention in fear it might make it come true for our child- RAD. But, thankfully this huge support/ network of Ethiopian adoptive families has restored me. You have given me hope. My son can heal. It can be done.

We have our first appointment with an attachment therapist this week. I am excited. It feels good to finally be able to admit to myself, my husband and my family and friends that my son is still struggling greatly after being home over a year. And, that his issues are pretty intense and I am not capable of addressing them alone. That I need help!

It feels good because I think that just getting those words out of my mouth was the hardest part. I am hoping that we will move forward now with a better understanding of how to handle our son's behavior's and how to help him with his BIG sad and mad feelings. I know there are others like us out there that need help, encouragement and ideas. I am going to post about our failures and our successes in hopes that we can help others as so many have been helping us.