Sunshine in Winter

 

How I got so lucky in life I am not sure but... I am insanely grateful.  We were able to visit Aulani again a few weeks ago during Thanksgiving.  This time we traveled with Hubby's sister, her husband and our amazing teenage nieces.  

It was an amazing vacation.  It was relaxing, the kids were well behaved and we had so much fun.  This was also the very first vacation that Sweet M* felt comfortable and it was amazing to watch him let loose and have fun. 

 

We have traveled a lot since M* has been home but typically he has a very hard time.  He has trouble with any transition and bc a vacation is essentially a break from all routine he usually cannot enjoy it.  It was dreamy this time watching him splash around and laugh.  He even did well when he was hungry and tired.  I am so so very thankful that he has made such great progress.  He is such an amazing kid! 

Talking about amazing kids.  I have three more who impress me just as much as M* does.  I am one lucky momma.  People always ask me how I do it with 4 kids.  But, honestly they all get along (for the most part) and there is always someone to play with.  In some ways I think big families actually can be easier.

Here is me and my big happy family!!

 

 Here is hubby with the kids.  He is such an amazing dad.  These kids are so lucky to have a dad who is always so engaged.  He finds ways for them to have fun ALL the time.  That also means that mom gets to rest.  That is actually a hard thing for me to do.  I feel like I have had babies forever and now we are in a new phase.  It is great but I find myself bored.  I need to find some hobbies ;)

One hobby I have worked really hard at lately is just soaking up all the memories.  We are in the golden years and I want to be there for all of it. 

I saw this picture when we got home and nearly burst into tears.  Belle was so tall standing next to me.  I had to come to reality with the fact that she is growing up.  Honestly, in my eyes she is 2 but when I looked at this I realized she is not even a toddler any more she is a kid.  Oh, the pain this causes my heart.  I just wish I could stop time... or go back and re-live some of the amazing moments we have had.  But, alas the only thing I could pull together was a pledge to myself that I would be more present.

Boys Birthday Bonanza

We have a family tradition we started on Belle's third birthday.  Every child on their actual birthday gets a day with mom and dad all to themselves and they get completely and ridiculously spoiled.  It usually involves their theme park of choice, meals, games and lots of extra treats that we can never do with all 4 kids together.  I LOVE this tradition.  But, this year a family vacation landed right in the middle of our older boys birthday week (their birthdays are a few days apart).  So, we went back to the tradition we had when it was just the two of them and we had a birthday weekend.  It was so much fun to have these two together.

We stayed at the Grand Californian and somehow got the bunk bed room they always wanted without even requesting it (#welookedlikeawesomeparents)- woot!  woot!  We spent two days with the two of them and then on the third day we were joined with more family members.  It was a fantastic trip and one I hope the boys always remember. 

There was also a ton of reminiscing between myself and hubby... we never have time with just the two of them like we did before the other two came along and it was nice.  They have blossomed into amazing little (i mean BIG) boys.  Cuddlebear is the oldest and the son that made me a mom.  He is amazing, sweet, intelligent and he is the best big brother in the world.  This one is so attached to our family right now that he cries when he doesn't have time to play with his siblings (usually bc he has too much homework or soccer ran late).  Captain Crazy was a crazy toddler but he is now the most considerate, sweet and loving child around.  He is witty and insanely funny.  He loves women and thinks they should be treated like royalty which is fantastic for Belle and myself.  Captain sings me love songs, tells me I am beautiful and loves for hubby to kiss me or tell me something sweet.  I am one lucky mom to have these two amazing kids.

I love our real tradition, but this years detour was nice too!

Here are some pics:

Getting back on the horse... blogger style

Wow... life happens and if you blink years can pass by.  Especially, when you have 4 kids and own two businesses and are in the process of expanding.  Days and weeks just merge together between homework projects, work reports etc...

I got so lost in the whirlwind BUT then I started reading the book "The Happiness Project" and realized how much fun I had blogging about my life.  It was my pause button.  My moment to stop... to reflect on the days chaos and see the beauty that existed within it.  It was magic to me.  Not to mention the added benefit of being able to recall that magic whenever I am in front of the internet. 

So, I decided to get back on the horse and start blogging again.  It is really great timing anyways because life is great right now and I know that there will be rain clouds to come and I want to remember how life only brings you what you can handle.  How the darkest days can bring the brightest tomorrows.  And, this is how I will do it.  My own pause and rewind buttons for life.

Spooktastic Times!!

This time of year is crazy.  It seems like once October comes... you blink and it's the New Year.  I am trying this year to slow it down and enjoy all the small moments.  I feel so so VERY blessed to have the amazing family that I do.  I feel fortunate now for the struggles we went through together bc in some crazy way it has formed this amazing unbreakable bond that feels surreal.

 Right now life feels SO GOOD!!!  The kids are all getting along impeccably.  They are all respectful and loving towards us.  They all are doing well in school.  And, they are all happy.  Life is as good as it gets.  Seriously, people I am just soaking it up and my heart feels like it could just burst.  There were so many tearful, sleepless nights when Sweet M* first came home that this day was never even in my dreams.  This was something I assumed I had robbed my family of.  And, yet somehow now it is mine and it is real.  Thankful... I suppose thankful is the right word and a fitting word as me move onto the Thanksgiving holiday.

 I am thankful that God brought our family together.  I am thankful for the amazing support we received from our family and friends.  I am thankful I married a man who walks through everything with me and tries everyday to make me smile (no matter what).  I am thankful for each of my children and their amazing personalities and unique qualities.

 Just thankful!!!

Lovin Life!!

I am so amazed at Sweet M's progress and I feel the need to share it with others.  We had quite a rough transition and when we turned to the adoption community it was hard to find others that were in a spot like we were.  And, when we did most times the news we would hear was devastating.  Options were things like residential treatment, disruption and mental institutional care.

Thank goodness we had the three F's- Faith, Family & Friends.  We were able to get through the hard times and wake up every day trying to do our best.  Now don't get me wrong there were days that we certainly failed and ugliness poured out of us from the exhaustion and lack of hope.  But, we kept on trying.  We kept wiping the slate clean, pouring out love and somehow slowly our lives began to improve.

I had the most amazing start to the new school year when Sweet M* brought his first progress report home with all E's (like A's in kindergarten).  His teacher had nothing but excellent remarks for my little guy and I cried.  It was like holding a miracle in my hand and I have never been so proud of any one my entire life.

So, the reason I have not been blogging is still bc I am catching up on lost time.  Just having fun playing and loving on my four amazing kids.  If you know anyone who has questions about adopting toddlers or anyone is is struggling with a child still in transition please have them comment on this post with their email address- I would love to help give another family the hope and support to get through those dark days.

Here are some pics of our amazing summer:

We went to Disneyworld:

 

We also went to Aulani this past summer and island hopped to Maui to visit Papa:

 

Sweet M* had a birthday:

Plus, we did some other fun stuff:

 Visited Carsland with cousins

 We saw Shamu!!

 Had a Blast on the Fourth

 The older boys went indoor skydiving

See... we have been VERY BUSY having lots of FUN!!!

It has been awhile my friends...

Wow... where to start. I have been MIA from blog world for SO LONG!!! But, GOOD NEWS we are doing VERY WELL!!! Actually, I think that is the reason I have been missing. For the most part my days are spent having fun with the kids instead of researching for answers to the bizarre behaviors we were dealing with.

It is almost May and we are rounding the corner of being home with Sweet M* for 2 whole years now. It is crazy how fast that went... but there are times when I wasn't sure if we would ever make it. Adoption is hard. That is it. No matter how we prepare for it we cannot imagine the horror that goes on in some of our sweet children's lives before they are home safe with us. Most of us have not had to enter a new family, new culture, new language and new surroundings after being stripped of everything that kept us feeling safe and secure. We have not lost family that we know still exists. We have not questioned if we would go through that same horror tomorrow. We don't know what it feels like to truly believe that no one loves us. But, that is how my sweet boy felt.

It has taken the entire two years for Sweet M* and our family to truly start to bond. We have been through the darkest of dark days with each other. Every line and boundary has been tested. I have failed miserably at times but, we are making it. We are getting there and we are doing it together (with help from family & friends of course). And, I can say that Sweet M* is rounding a corner and has been for the past few months.

I came across a note I had saved on my iPhone and I wanted to share it in case there are other families out there having a difficult transition with their child. These were the rules we lived by and I know they helped us tremendously.

The key for us was truly to love Sweet M*. To understand that each purposeful thing he would do to try and get in trouble was a TEST. Yes... he tests us constantly bc he is so scared of love. He worries that there is no way it could be true. No way he could be worth as much love as we were pouring on to him. He was going to prove himself right and do something bad so he would upset us. I am not going to lie... he still can do things that make me falter. However, for the most part we stay calm and do not let our emotions get in the way of teaching him right from wrong any more. This has helped him trust us and has helped him (on most days) understand that he is a perfect child of God and loved by us UNCONDITIONALLY.

It takes a lot of effort from my husband and I on a daily basis. There are times where one of us has to walk away to another room and pretend we cannot hear Sweet M* so that we can gain composure and come back with a smile on our face. It is HARD. But, the healing we see is so POWERFUL. Sweet M* is trying to ask for more and question us when he thinks something is unfair (happens very often) instead of assuming we love another child more. As he does this and learns the reasons behind something we do he feels more secure. He is learning to trust that we truly look out for him and we truly do love him as much as the other three children.

This brings me to another point. Adoption is hard when there are birth siblings. When M* came home we thought he was close in age with Belle. However, we quickly learned he was quite a bit older than what we had previously believed (stunted by malnourishment) and as he began to tower over her the competition between him and his older brother began. If you can grow past one sibling you must be able to grow past them all- No? So, to say he has had a rough adjustment to finding his spot between them is an understatement.

I look back constantly and think how much easier things would have been if we had only adopted a child when the other three were older. Or if we had adopted a baby so we would not have disturbed birth order. But, the fact is we are a family and right or wrong we have to make this work. As we adjust and grow together we are all finding our place... and we are all seeing that this was the right choice for us... that there are reasons we truly did belong together. We help by pointing out unique talents that each child has. We focus on our differences... and we also focus on things that are similar between all of us- behaviors, characteristics, likes and dislikes etc... This helps Sweet M* identify with the fact that even though my other kids were born in this family does not mean that everything we do and like are the same. I know this helps him. And, all four can always agree that they ALL LOVE TO BE SILLY!

Whew... this is getting a little longer than I anticipated. But, basics are this: if you are staring at your adopted child SCARED TO DEATH bc you don't know if you can make it through some of those challenging beginnings TAKE A BREATH. I needed hope and there were VERY FEW out there that could tell me it could get better. BUT IT CAN. You and your child (and your entire family) can get through this. You will grow to LOVE... to UNDERSTAND the behaviors and life will turn out as you once dreamed... and happiness will be restored. Just hang in there!

Why Does it Have to Be SO Hard?

This weekend STUNK! Things were going good until dinner out on Friday night. It had been a good week and we wanted to go have fun with the kids. I am not sure what happened but as soon as we entered the restaurant Sweet M* was OFF. He pulled away when I tried to bring him close, he was extra hyper and sensitive and he was in the mood where he truly believes EVERYONE is out to get him or is against him. I tried with all my might and we got through dinner, but hubby took the boys to the restroom and I think he got mad at M*. In our world that means you are asking for it. And, "it" is what we got.

I tried to draw him in and even though we had to leave and did not go to the mall playground as the kids were hoping (do to M* bawling) we still drove the kids to sonic and got them some slushies. We tried to snuggle up for a low key movie night but M* couldn't handle it. He ended up having to go to bed early.

Saturday came around and I could tell hubby was spent. FYI: This was our weekend off but it was my mom's birthday so I decided to keep Sweet M* and switch with my mom for next weekend. I don't think it was a wise choice. It sounds crazy I am sure but I know that part of our recent success has been bc we get a break. And, I think the break helps Sweet M* a ton too. He gets my parents undivided attention. They go to the beach or community pool, play, laugh and most importantly my parents remind M* about how lucky he is to have such great parents and about how much we love him. He comes home renewed and refreshed and it is FANTASTIC!!! Oh, it also really helps hubby and I with the guilt we have for the other three. They put up with A LOT and they are so good to M* that it feels nice to be able to give them the attention that we desperately always want to but can't bc we are too busy trying to help M* heal.

Back to Saturday. I knew hubby was exhausted and annoyed so I tried to help. I tried continually to draw Sweet M* close and love on him. To look deep into his eyes... I tried the chin touch. I tried holding him as he screamed and cried and I did so without ever loosing my patience. But, hubby decided it was enough. He came in and he actually helped M* out of his mood. M* does not push hubby like he pushes me. So, hubby talked to M* and for the rest of the weekend we kept very tight boundaries. We controlled every situation and hubby still poured on the love... BUT I had to back off. I don't get why this works but it does. And, although hubby and I are exhausted after this weekend... I think we still did a kick butt job. We did not lose our temper and we kept trying to connect. I don't think we are completely out of the woods. M* is still a little off but hopefully we will get him back in a few days.

Same old... same old!

So, looks like we are in a new routine and it is MUCH better than our old one thank goodness. Yes, we still have tantrums but they are caused by triggers and I see them coming a mile away. By drawing Sweet M* in and sitting next to him or holding him (like a baby) it seems like I am able to go through the emotions with him and bring him back to calm.

The neatest part is there are real signs of growth. Sweet M* now gives me spontaneous hugs for no reason. He has (on several occasions) been able to get in trouble like the other kids without getting stuck in a negative mode... you know for little things. Just a warning used to send him into crazy land.

And, a few days ago he went to his very first dentist appointment and he had to go with the dentist by himself. I sat in the waiting room. He did amazing!!! He had no cavities and he did everything they asked. I was most proud of him when he walked out and said, "Mom, guess what I knew that you would be here for me when I was done." No one else in that room knew why I had tears in my eyes... but that was the FIRST time I think he has ever trusted me to be there for him. The picture above was from that appointment :)

These are good days!

Mirroring Emotions and Fast Food Rules

Friday night was nice. Sweet M* had a little trouble playing but hubby was able to draw him in and calm him down and he finished the night really well.

Saturday was very pleasant and that included me dragging Sweet M* and Belle to a baby shower where they were the only kiddos there and to Belle's Nutcracker practice. So, win for me. Actually, total win because hubby and the big boys went to a baseball game so I had the littles with me all day and through bed with no incidences :)

Sunday was okay. The boys were in moods and were constantly bickering with each other. It was hard. But, it was normal sibling stuff so I was glad that Sweet M* was able to be talked to just like the other boys without sending him into a fit. Sunday night we went to church and all the kids did really well. Sweet M* really impressed me because the service is about an hour and a half long and it is hard to sit that long when your little. Sunday night however, the emotions ran too high. After church we went to my parents for a family dinner. It was a little later than we normally eat and it was 45 minutes past Sweet M*'s bedtime and he just couldn't take it anymore. He was engulfed in complete sadness at any little thing that did not go his way. We collected the kids and went home. I was able to draw him close and put him to bed, but I didn't feel like the mood was completely gone.

Today is Monday and the morning was off. Sweet M* was not following his normal morning rules. He was testing me in little ways. And, he tried reaching out to his brothers but they were annoyed from the night before and did not play with him. That is HARD. I get it... I know Sweet M* is a lot for the other kids. But, when he reaches out it is heart breaking to watch him get rejected. On the way to my mom's I just knew he was not doing well. I dropped him off and he didn't want a kiss or hug. He didn't ask to run and wave on the sidewalk as I drove away like he does every other day. I was sad.

But, I picked him up from school and he had earned two day tickets. I think he used his friends and school to escape his hard morning. He excitedly screamed good bye to EVERY friend he could see. Got in the car and it began. First the constant jabber, then if I tried to re-direct he acted like I was against him. He was crazy hyper when we got home and then he lost it when I tried to lay him down for a nap. He SCREAMED piercing screams and when I tried to hold him he kicked and tried to bite me. I held him and lovingly looked into his eyes. I reminded him that I loved him and no matter what he did it would not change the fact that I loved him. But, this fit lasted about an hour and it was exhausting. I did keep my cool the entire time (YAY! ME!). But, what really helped was towards the end I started mirroring his wimpers and cries... I tried to empathize the way you do with an infant. His screams mellowed out.

He started talking while he was crying about why he was upset, nonsense excuses for those big emotions really, but I repeated each one back to him in his same tone. I had learned this from the Harvey Karp books when my other kids were toddlers. It is called the fast food rule. Just like the drive through repeats your order YOU REPEAT YOUR KIDS WORDS. It totally worked. He slowly came back. Apologized and snuggled with me for a few minutes. Than he laid down for nap.

So, I am going to try and remember these for the next big meltdown. Maybe I can cut off the length of the next one by 15 or so minutes??

Having Fun this Friday Night!!

Thursday night ended well... and that was even with hubby gone all day on a business trip. I was even able to put Sweet M* to bed myself without any hassle. I do think the melatonin and the patch are really helping.

Today is Friday and it was a day that included a lot of changes in the normal schedule bc M*'s school was out but the big boys were still in. I had to work and M* went to my mom's with Belle. I was worried bc sometimes with that much change we are asking for a meltdown. But, to my surprise he had a great day.

It is very interesting but I feel like there is a bottom to his emotions. Before there wasn't. Any little upset could tailspin into a major raging violent fit. We have had ZERO violence except for with the sitter which I believe we could have avoided if she was better prepared.

So, tonight we have company and I am in a great mood. I have no doubt that it will be a Fun Friday night!!

No Fear!

Tuesday's event really shook me up. I had a hard time sleeping and Wednesday morning I felt so stressed. But, I talked to a good friend who reminded me that Tuesday was caused by a trigger. I could have prevented it and will next time. And, that if Sweet M* really wanted to hurt the others he would have. It is getting rid of the fear that helps me. Realizing that I am in control of the situation. I just have to remember that even though my sweet boy looks so normal he can get scared and go into survival mode at any time if there is a trigger.

This occasion was caused by hubby and I being gone at bed time and bc we had not properly trained the sitter on what to do "if" he were to go into that state. My plan is I am going to teach her that Sweet M*'s scared and nervous looks like extreme hyper and silliness followed by complete disobedience. I will let her know that he will only get worse unless she brings him in confronts the emotion by verbalizing it for him and then sits with him until he comes back to his normal state (most likely after some crying). She will be prepared next time... as will any other sitter in the future.

It is so sad that M* still gets that scared of us leaving and not coming back. His fear of abandonment is so raw and real. I hope and pray that someday he will realize how much we love him.

To get back to Wed. though he had a great day. He must have tried so hard at school because he came home with two good day tickets. That means he was not talked to even once and he went above and beyond. I think he was trying to make up for the night before ;) He was a little sad all day. He knew he upset us and I think he was trying the woes me card. But, he had good behavior all night and went to bed just fine. Today is Thursday and so far so good :)

It had to happen

Today was one of those days that just SUCKS. Most of the day was fine but hubby and I thought we could get out for a date night. We left Belle with Nana because she was already there and the three boys stayed with our babysitter. I double checked Sweet M* talked about everything and I thought he was okay.

I was wrong. Turns out that right around dinner his switch flipped and he went into survival mode. He tried everything he could to get in trouble. Deliberately disobeying by continuing to jump up and down on the couch and trying to climb on the stairwell's. The sitter was having trouble controlling him in order to keep him safe. At dinner he accused her of serving the other two boys more pizza than him (not the case). Than he went into his crazy hyper laughter phase. He was chasing the older boys and trying to push them. Cuddlebear claims M* tried to push him down the stairs... given the mood he sounds like he was in I believe it. And, worst of all the sitter was cleaning up in the kitchen and the boys were on the couch (in plain sight) and the sitter says Cuddlebear was yelling "Stop M*" and she turned around to see M* sitting on top of a pillow that he put on Captain's head. Captain is 8... M* is 5. This SCARES me. I am trying to remember not to let fear play a part. But, Captain is my son. I am his momma too. I am supposed to protect him and I feel like it is so hard to do sometimes with M*. Once M* goes into survival mode all bets are off. We don't know what he is capable of.

This has not happened before and it was a fear I had. Right now the boys share a room. Now I am thinking that I may need to rearrange the kids sleeping arrangements. I feel like I am handling this all pretty well. But I can't lie- it shakes me up. I know that I can't ignore these behaviors. Safety cannot be compromised. But, it is just like with everything in this adoption world... I feel like I have to run the scenario 100 ways in my head to figure out what I should have done. I always try to blame myself for what goes wrong.

Maybe I can't leave M* with anyone but my mom? Maybe we should have been back before dinner? Maybe if I would have done something I could have prevented it. But, here is the thing. I have left M* with this sitter many times before. In fact she lives with us now and has been very helpful with the kids. And, I have left M* many times to go out on a date night and nothing like this occurred before. Well... not true. The first time we left for an over night trip M* choked Captain really bad. That was a little over a year ago though? So, it is really hard to say what I should and could have done bc REALLY I should not have to worry about him harming the other kids. But, the fact is that I do!

So, I am saddened by the reality that I think my fears can't be ignored. And, while I don't fear M*... I have to put up the cautionary boundaries to ensure all of the kids are always safe. So, I think M* is going to need his own room. And, I think we are sticking with the rule that he has to play where we can see him (recently we were allowing him and the big boys in the playroom together... I thought as long as Belle wasn't there they were okay). And, I think regardless of if I think he is okay... I don't think I can leave him (unless he is alone) with any other kids unless it is with my mom.

Crappy day :(